I probably have no right to sound borderline nostalgic in my title considering I’ve only ever made two posts on this blog but I do what I want so there. I also can’t really make a valid excuse as to why I post so infrequently seeing as I haven’t taken a break from my intense love affair with food and I definitely lack a social life. If there were something to point the blame at I would blame: writers block, my BFFL Netflix, work, naps, food, sleep (different from naps), and generally being super busy being lazy. Being lazy is incredibly time consuming and yet I’m too lazy to care that it is. Cheers.
Okay, that whole opening paragraph somewhat served a purpose because I made the most lazily delicious and ambiguously healthy meal which I will now oogle and ogle over.
Chicken Salad is surprisingly versatile and tastes like summer. I’ve seen people eat it on lettuce to make a chicken salad… salad? I’ve seen it served on platters of fruit. I’ve seen it on crackers. I’ve seen it on sandwiches. I’ve seen it on avocados. Basically it knows how to hustle. In desperate hopes of keeping summer alive in my mouth, I whipped together all the things I like in chicken salad. No, I didn’t follow a recipe (though it’s probably identical to one you’d find online). I literally bought things and put it in a bowl and it turned out shockingly delicious.
- 2 cans of chicken: Yeah I got cans of chicken. They are cheap and ideal for laziness. However, this recipe would probably increase in attractiveness by 400% if cooked chicken breast or better yet, rotisserie chicken were used in place of chicken meant for bomb shelters and panic rooms.
- Celery: Duh.
- Purple Onions: Cried a lot cutting those. Someday I’ll learn my lesson.
- Purple Grapes: Nice part about having these in a recipe is that you can eat half the bunch while you cut the other half up.
- Cashews: Nice part of about having THESE in a recipe is you can also eat half the container…. while driving home from the store.
- Mayo: I know mayo isn’t the healthiest option but I hate Miracle Whip as much as I hate vinegar, olives and pickles (which is a lot if you don’t know me). To compensate with myself I went with reduced fat or half fat or not so much-ish fat (???) mayo and it wasn’t even the slightest bit off putting.
- Garlic Salt: Just a dash or something.
- Salt: Yeah, summodat.
- Black Pepper: Like, a lot.
- A squirt of lime juice: Well, lemon juice is probably preferable and probably tastes better but I forgot to purchase a lemon so lime juice it was. The citric acid is really the only purpose it serves and the lime didn’t ruin it. Hell, if you forget lemons and limes put a bit of orange juice in there! On second thought, that really doesn’t sound so bad..
The most beautiful thing about this recipe you ask? You can prepare nearly the entire thing, SEATED. Opening cans of chicken? Cutting celery? Cutting grapes? Squeezing mayonnaise into a bowl? Crying over onions? Oh yeah, imagine doing that from the comforts of a chair. Let’s be honest, the more lazy-friendly a recipe is, the more likely it is that it will eventually end up in your fridge.
RECIPE BIBLE RULE #739: There are no rules. Mix shit together and taste it. If it doesn’t taste right, add more shit and taste it. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I ate this for dinner last night as a sandwich and ate it today with an avocado and was incredibly pleased and satisfied both times…. obviously. It makes approximately 4-6 servings so guess what I’m having for lunch tomorrow (and Saturday and Sunday)?
Well, there’s a painfully simple meal that a monkey could prepare if given the task. Maybe I’ll post more regularly now…. probably don’t hold your breath though.
Also, to stick with tradition, here is a poopy ending to my post. Enjoy!