The first rule of dieting is: you ALWAYS talk about dieting.

It’s finally 2017. Wowie kazowie, 2016 was a hell of a year. I made ONE single post in this old thang, which is pretty disappointing, but so was a lot of this year. World events, politics, and the soap box that is social media continue to be real downers. Boy, am I grateful for the “Unfollow” button on Facebook.

Personally, my year was pretty kickass. I finally work at a job that doesn’t involve things getting 86’d and basing my self worth on the percentage of a tip I receive from a table. I moved in with m’dude and after 7 months of living together, we still like each other; some may even say love. Our place hasn’t burned down,  we’ve only called 9-1-1 like, 4 times (bless you, Chicago) and we’ve even managed to keep the dog alive together. Speaking of the dog, Lily got her own Instagram (@thelilers) and gets more likes on her photos than I do. I have a cute baby nephew who is perfect in every way. I had the opportunity to travel to a lot of beautiful, fun (and some notsofun) places. My very best friend asked me to stand with her at her wedding. I raised over $2,000 for the Muscular Dystrophy Association in honor of my mom and completed my second half marathon in the process.

Oh, and I rekindled my relationship with carbohydrates. Our bond as of late has been… intimate.


With that said, the adverse effects of our affair have begun to press uncomfortably at the waist of my fat jeans. Honestly, I’d never heard of “eating keto (or wtf they call it)” until Todd mentioned his interest when we were elbow deep in the whirlwind that was the holidays. Between bites of Christmas cookies and many chocolate stouts, I regretfully agreed that it was a good idea. Needless to say, for the next 3 months, Todd and I are diving, mouth first, into the Ketogenic diet.

Honestly, I’m a little worried because a lot of this diet includes getting fats from nuts and dairy. Todd can have neither. I’m gonna load him up on that bacon, instead. OMG, there is so much bacon that’s gonna be consumed – you know, for the sake of our health.


Today is T-1 of Keto lyfe, twenty-seven-stine. I’ve made grocery list zero, I’m finishing up the beers in my fridge, and I’ve got a starter kit set up. I’m no expert, but here’s a list of the various steps I’ve taken to make this as painless as possible:

  • Start a Pinterest Board with Keto-friendly recipes only.
  • Invest in a veggie spiralizer, a food scale and Ketosis piss test strips from Amazon (Prime and the livin’s easy).
  • Check through the cabinets and condiments to see what’s friendly for this diet (nothing) and put away/eat all the carbs.
  • Print out a list of the shit you CAN eat.
  • Set up a meal plan for the next week(s).
  • Drink all the beer.
  • Decipher how many grams of Fats (75%), Protein (20%) and Carbs (5%) you can have each day – we’ll start with this and eventually shift to a more “If It Fits Your Macros” approach. For reference, the 5% carb intake equals around 20-25g/day. Look at any nutritional label and prepare to be upset.
  • Download My Fitness Pal for the 9,000th time and update intake settings to reflect above bullet point.
  • Purchase a good water bottle if you don’t have one. I love my 1 liter Camelbak. It makes drinking water easy, especially for those of us with oral fixations. Plus, with the liter sized ones, you only have to drink 2 to meet your daily minimum.
  • Figure out what alcohol you can still drink. The answer is hard alcohol and soda water. But be responsible with it because this diet keeps your liver working hard and your impressive tolerance will decrease.
  • Mourn the fallen carbs you must leave behind. Don’t worry, they’ll mourn you, too.

breadtearsFor the next 2ish weeks, I’ll be making the following recipes:

  1. Burgers with cajun seasoning fried in butter (GOOD GOD BLESS US ALL) topped with cheese, bacon, lettuce and jalps, and broccoli on the side
  2. BLT Spinach Salad with a hard-boiled egg and a dressing that’s just mayo, a little EVOO and hot sauce hnnnnng
  3. Egg Roll in a Bowl with Hot Italian Sausage
  4. Bacon wrapped eggs with spinach, sausage, onion and mushrooms made in them muffin tins for easy mornings
  5. For snacks, there will be celery with peanut butter or something, and intermittent string cheese and sunflower seeds

Maybe if I stick to A. this diet and B. bloggin, you’ll see updates of the recipes that I inevitably make modifications to based on preferences/Todd allergies. I’m gonna try this out and see how it goes. If you’re also interested in partaking in this journey or have experience, comment here, message me on FB, email me, carrier pigeon me, I don’t care. Let’s chat because I have questions. This is gonna get weird and FAT and I can’t wait.

Thank you for reading. As per usual, I’ll end this post with some quality shit.


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