I just received my very best friend, Elizabeth’s STD and couldn’t be more thrilled. I danced around my apartment when I got it singing I’ve Got the Golden Ticket as if I were Violet Beauregarde. I couldn’t be happier that it finally happened! Truly, my heart is warmed to the core.
As I’m sure you were definitely assuming, it means nothing other than Save the Date.
This year, Todd and I have acquired quite the collection of wedding invitations. I am not saying this to brag about how cool and popular we are because that’s a given, I’m merely making an observation. One that confirms that getting older requires a lot more responsibility and holy shit, weddings are expensive.
Elizabeth got me this cute hanging picture holder for Christmas (get your own here) with the intention of it holding pictures of us throughout the years, but it’s transformed into a, “Hey, you, dummy head! Don’t forget to RSVP to all of these weddings,” card holder. It’s been incredibly useful and Elizabeth is still featured! Also, nephew cameo because he’s a baby hotdog and I couldn’t be more in love with him.
Todd and I met through a social, Imgur-related Facebook group called Chigurians. Six months later, we started dating, which means we get to tell everyone we met on the internet. Word on the street is that works from time-to-time. My dad and stepmom met online in 2000 and they’re still going strong. Hi Dad and Chrystal!
Now that we’ve been together over 2 years with countless weddings, family events, holidays, birthdays and dinner party attendances, (wow, that sounds way fancier than it should. I fart at the dinner table) we get bombarded with the same question:
“So when are you two gonna get married?”
The answer? None ya damn business.
“Wow Christine and Todd, you’re kind of assholes. May I ask why?”
Because we wouldn’t be “I do”-ing it for us.
What would any of my posts be if there wasn’t a pun? I know by the number of times my dad has asked Todd what his plans are that he would really like to see a wedding. Yes, we’re currently living in sin… and we love it. Honestly, this is the part the plagues me most; the thought of spending the entire wedding worrying about everyone enjoying themselves and getting along. Being part of blended families can be stressful.
Because we both understand the legal aspect of a marriage.
I currently have a peek into the legal binds to a significant other in the form of a lease, so we’re basically already married. Okay, I’ll admit, I love the idea of tax breaks. To be realistic about it, though, a majority of the legal benefits in favor of marriage are contingent upon one of us being dead. Dark much? Still want to joke about us getting married now?!
Because it’s a lot of work.
When I was 18, I stood as the Maid of Honor in my sister’s wedding. It was a stunning celebration that wreaked of wedded bliss. After seeing the cost in the form of time, energy, emotions, and money first hand, I made a promise to my dad and to myself; the only aisle he will walk me down is the aisle of the courthouse. Hopefully that’s marriage-related, but I make no promises.
With the amount of work that goes into the wedding planning, is there any way we can just throw a baller party, get the gifts, eat the food and not send out thank you cards? Maybe I could just put out a fancy sign that says, “In lieu of thank you cards, we say thank you with an open bar for the night.”
Because it’s expensive.
According to a Forbes article from last year, the wedding industry is worth more than 50 billion dollars. That’s 50 with 9 more zeros after it. Why? Because the average cost of a wedding in the United States is $26,720. (source) This is fine. Great. Love those numbers. Totally want love-induced debt right now. Yet another reason for every other generation to hate on millennials. They’re not buying houses and now they’re not getting married? Shit, I can barely afford to attend weddings. What makes you think I want to host one?!
Because we aren’t ready.
See above. We’re in our late 20’s and in no rush. An answer to a more literal interpretation of “You’re next.” No, that’s not possible – it is, however, possible that I’ll be tolerating you making this same joke at 3 more weddings we’ll both be attending in the next 6 months. Check out my left hand. Something missing? No ring! There are rules to how weddings work and getting asked is the first step.
I should specify that I don’t hate marriage or weddings. I’ve shed my fair share of tears at the sight of true love. The public (and legal) proclamation of your commitment to one person for the rest of your life is a beautiful gift. Spoken by THE Elizabeth herself, bride to be in February, I will end with her reminder of why it’s worth it:
But please, for the love of dog, do not nudge me and jokingly say, “You’re next,” at the next wedding we both attend. If you do, I promise you’ll be next on my shit list.